


Not So Far (But Oh How Long)

by ChronicTonsillitis



Series: I Shouldn't Still Want This [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Background becho, F/M, Minor Bellamy Blake/Gina Martin, Pining, bellamy is an idiot, it had to be done, just so much pining, prequel to If I Could Do It All Again (I Shouldn't Still Want This), this fic does echo really dirty and I apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24653179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChronicTonsillitis/pseuds/ChronicTonsillitis
Summary: “I’d offer to help but looks like you’ve got that all taken care of, princess.” He smirked at her and jerked his chin at the movers. “What, daddy didn’t want to help you move in?”The smile slid off her face so quickly his own smirk flagged in confusion. She looked genuinely hurt for a moment, and he felt guilt start to rise up in his throat. “Look, I didn’t mean—”She glared at him.“Fuck you,” she spat, and stomped away. Bellamy watched her go.A boy with lank greasy hair and an unseasonably warm leather jacket sidled up next to him. “Not even an hour in and you’re already making enemies,” the boy said appreciatively. “A man after my own heart.”*****Bellamy Blake takes the long route to Clarke
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Series: I Shouldn't Still Want This [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1782445
Comments: 14
Kudos: 149





	Not So Far (But Oh How Long)

**Author's Note:**

> A Bellamy POV prequel to If I Could Do It All Again (I Shouldn't Still Want This)

**_April, 2005_ **

Bellamy poked his small head through the crack in the door, peering into his mother’s darkened room.

“Hey, Mom,” he asked tentatively. “Do you think we can have dinner soon? Octavia’s getting hungry.”

His mom rolled away from him, her voice muffled by the blankets. “Just make something for her. Your sister, your responsibility.”

“Right.” Bellamy swallowed hard, his sweaty fingers slipping on the doorknob as he bobbed his head. “Do you know when Phil’s getting back from work?”

Octavia’s father, Phil, had recently taken an office job that paid well enough that his mom didn’t have to work double shifts anymore. He was usually home by dinner, but not today.

“He’s not coming back,” his mom croaked. “Just like your dad. He’s never coming back.”

Bellamy frowned, his heart beating fast. “I don’t understand.”

Aurora sat up and turned to face him, her long brown hair streaming down around her face, looking back at him through red rimmed eyes. “What don’t you understand?” she asked, her voice harsh. “He’s not coming back. He’s replaced me, replaced us. We weren’t good enough for him.”

Bellamy’s eyes widened, and he took a step towards his mother, his arms outstretched to hug her. She scoffed and lay back down, rolling away from him again. “Go deal with your sister.”

He crept back out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him. He struggled to control his breathing, his shoulder rising and falling in time with his quick pants. 

“Where’s dad?” Octavia asked from behind him, looking at her brother innocently. Bellamy turned slowly to face her.

“He’s going away, O. It’s just gonna be us and Mom now.” He tried to keep his tone light, but his voice wavered. “It’s okay, I promise. I’ll take care of you both.”

Octavia looked back at him, not understanding. Her chin started to wobble, and her eyes filled up with tears. “Why would he leave? What did we do wrong?”

Bellamy gathered his sister up into his arms, holding her tight to his chest. “Nothing, O. I don’t know.”

He pressed a kiss into her hair, and held her until her tears dried up. He’d never ever leave someone he loved. He’d never ever hurt someone like that. His mother raised him to be good, and now he would be strong, for her and for O.

****

**_September, 2014_ **

“I don’t know, Gina,” Bellamy said, leaning his head against the wall. They were sitting together on his bed, her back pressed up against his chest, his arm wrapped around her middle. “It’s too expensive. And I really shouldn’t leave O by herself.”

His girlfriend tucked her hand over his arm, looking at him with wide eyes. “There’s scholarships, Bell. And I’ll be around, I can check on your sister, but you know your mom’s been better.”

She was right, but Bellamy still felt a deep pit in his stomach at the thought of leaving. What if something happened, and he wasn’t here? What if he took out loans for school and his mom lost her job? What if—

His expression was fraught, conflicted. His lips pulled together in a tight line across his face. “It doesn’t seem right.”

“Just apply,” Gina urged gently. “You don’t have to decide yet. But you should at least try.”

He chewed on his lip. “I don’t— I don’t think I’m the college type, Gina.”

She laughed at that, a delicate tinkling sound, and he looked down at her sharply. “What?”

“Oh, Bellamy,” she said, through panting breaths, a wide smile across her face. “Who are you kidding? You’re a massive nerd.”

“Hey!” Bellamy complained loudly, but a smile spread slowly across his face too. “Take that back!”

She smirked at him, still laughing. “Never gonna happen, Blake. You took us to a history museum on the first date.”

Bellamy flipped her playfully, pinning her to the bed beneath him. Her dark hair spread out like ink across his pillows. “You liked the museum.”

Gina grinned up at him, and craned her neck forward to plant a kiss on his nose. “I did.”

He leaned down and kissed her fully on the mouth.

“You know,” he said, a glint in his eye. “O won’t be home from practice for another half hour.”

“Is that so?” Gina replied, blinking up at him innocently. “What ever will we do with all that time?”

Twenty minutes later, they lay naked, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, sweaty skin pressed together beneath his sheets. 

“I’ll do it,” Bellamy said quietly. Gina turned her head to look at him and he met her eyes. “I’m not promising I’ll go, but I’ll apply at least.”

“Good.” She smiled and pressed a kiss to his sternum. “Now get dressed.”

****

**_August, 2015_ **

“—and that’s the last one,” Bellamy said, wiping his hands on his pants. “I think we’re done.”

Octavia looked over at him from her spot sprawled across his newly-made bed. “Thank god, Bell. Did you have to bring every book you owned?”

Bellamy ignored his sister, pinching his shirt away from his chest and shaking it to try and cool himself down. 

“It’s good that you don’t have a roommate,” Octavia continued, picking at a loose thread on Bellamy’s pillow. “There’d be no space left for him to put his stuff.”

He rolled his eyes. His dorm was all singles, and the rooms were shoebox sized to make up for it. There wouldn’t have been enough space for another desk, let alone another bed.

“Oh, leave your brother alone,” Gina chided. She flicked Octavia in the side and sat up from the bed. “It’s not like we were helping.”

“It’s too hot to carry things,” Octavia complained. “I made the bed.”

“You did not,” their mother scoffed, closing the cabinet she’d been filling with Bellamy’s clothes. “ _I_ made the bed.”

Bellamy looked at the three women fondly, knots starting to form in his belly as he realized what it meant to be done unpacking. 

Aurora checked her watch. “Alright, kids, we’ve got to go. I need to be back for my shift at 2.”

Octavia groaned, pulling herself out of the bed. “Fine, whatever. I’ll go wait by the car.”

Octavia walked like she was going to leave without saying goodbye, but at the last minute she caught her brother in a tight hug that nearly knocked the wind out of him. She let go of him of him quickly. 

“See you, Bell,” she said, her voice rough, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She opened the door and turned back. “Oh, and I’m moving into your room. It’s bigger.”

The door slammed shut behind her and Bellamy smiled, shaking his head fondly. “What a brat.”

Gina was next, pulling him into a hug, and kissing him softly. “I love you. Good luck.”

“I love you, too,” he breathed into her hair, eyes prickling. He squeezed her hard and then released her. Gina took a step back, smiling at him with wet cheeks. 

“I’ll go make sure Octavia isn’t getting into any trouble,” she said, moving towards the door. “See you soon.”

He nodded, his throat tight. 

“Yeah,” he croaked, and she smiled.

And then it was just him and Aurora. Him and his mom.

“You sure you’ve got everything?” Aurora asked. Bellamy nodded, not trusting himself to speak. “Okay then.”

She wrapped an arm around his waist and together they walked out into the hall, making their way to the front of the dorm. When they reached the stairs outside, his mother pulled away, her hands holding tightly to his wrists.

She looked at Bellamy, tears welling up in her eyes. “My college boy,” she said proudly. “When did you get so old?”

He let her embrace him, his chest heaving as he tried to control his breathing. “I’m so so proud of you,” she whispered. “I love you so much.”

She stepped away, hands shaking slightly, and gave him a tremulous smile. He smiled weakly back at her.

“Love you too, Mom,” he said, scuffing his shoe against the ground. “Don’t let O run wild.”

Aurora gave him a knowing look. “There’s no controlling that girl,” she said fondly. “But you know that.”

He and his mother looked out at the bustle of other parents and students moving in. “Thanks for helping bring stuff in.”

“Of course,” his mom replied. “What kind of parent would I be?”

They watched as a well dressed blonde girl directed a team of uniformed movers towards the dorm. He pointed. “The rich kind, I guess.”

“Guess so,” Aurora said with a watery laugh. “Alright. Time to go.”

Bellamy hugged her again quickly. “Bye, Mom.”

She walked backward away from him, smiling. “I’ll see you soon.”

He nodded, and then she turned, disappearing into the crowd.

Bellamy stuck his hands in his pockets, turning back towards the dorm. He reached the door at the same time at the blonde girl and held it open for her, waiting as she and her movers filed past him. He followed them down the hall, watching as she unlocked the door next to his.

He leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, and she stepped back, letting the men bring her things into the room. She caught his eye and smiled, coming over to say hi.

“I’m Clarke, I’m in 104.” she said with a smile. “Are you on this hall too?” 

“105, Bellamy Blake,” he replied. Bellamy looked at her extended hand without taking it and her smile faltered.

“I’d offer to help but looks like you’ve got that all taken care of, princess.” He smirked at her and jerked his chin at the movers. “What, daddy didn’t want to help you move in?”

The smile slid off her face so quickly his own smirk flagged in confusion. She looked genuinely hurt for a moment, and he felt guilt start to rise up in his throat. “Look, I didn’t mean—”

She glared at him. 

“Fuck you,” she spat, and stomped away. Bellamy watched her go.

A boy with lank greasy hair and an unseasonably warm leather jacket sidled up next to him. “Not even an hour in and you’re already making enemies,” the boy said appreciatively. “A man after my own heart.”

Bellamy looked at him sideways and the boy offered his hand. “Murphy.”

Bellamy shook it. “Bellamy.”

They both leaned back, watching the scene in front of them.

“Who the hell gets movers for freshman year of college? How much stuff could she possibly have?” Murphy asked derisively.

Bellamy shrugged, still feeling a little guilty. “I have no idea.”

****

**_September, 2015_ **

He didn’t remember the hit, but it must have been bad, because the next thing Bellamy knew he was lying on his back on the ground, struggling to catch his breath.

He heard something like shrieking, and then a head of blonde curls was bobbing over him.

“Hey, princess,” Bellamy laughed, and winced. “Come to finish me off?”

The hit must have been even worse than he’d thought, because Clarke didn’t even react to the nickname. Her hands fluttered over him, poking and prodding.

“Ow,” he said, as she touched a bruise on his shin. “Knock it off.”

She looked down at him, eyes frantic. “Are you okay? Can you wiggle your toes?”

He smirked as well as he could through panting breaths and complied. 

“Fuck,” Clarke breathed. She leaned forward on her hands, head dipping down. “I saw it happen, and you didn’t get up and I was just… I was so worried.”

Bellamy smiled, reaching out to tuck a curl behind her ear. She smacked his hand away, glaring down at him. “Ah,” he said with a chuckle. “There she is.”

Clarke sat back on her heels with a huff. “This sport is stupid. You and Murphy are insane.”

Bellamy struggled to sit up and her hands were back on him in a second, gently supporting his shoulders. 

“That’s hilarious, considering this is just the practice,” he drawled, looking at her pinched lips. She had a beauty mark, he noticed for the first time, just above her lip. It was— _huh_.

She stood up, brushing the grass off her knees, and reached a hand down to help him up. 

Bellamy looked at it appraisingly.

“Huh,” he said, and took it.

****

**_November, 2015_ **

Bellamy lay on his back in bed, head dangling off the edge, tossing a rugby ball up in the air and catching it rhythmically. Murphy watched him from his seat in Bellamy’s desk chair, abandoning the homework they had both intended to be doing.

“So,” Murphy asked, “Have you met Lexa yet?”

Bellamy’s eyebrows furrowed, gaze still fixed above him. “Who?”

“ _Who_?” Murphy mimicked rudely. He let out a huff of a laugh. “Lexa. You know, Clarke’s new girlfriend.”

Bellamy startled and fumbled the ball. It fell through his hands, smacking into his face. He collected it with a groan. “Clarke’s _what_?”

Murphy looked at him incredulously. “Are you serious dude? This is old news.”

“I thought—“ Bellamy started, and frowned, rubbing his nose where the ball had hit him. “I didn’t know they were _dating_ dating.”

“It was bound to happen,” Murphy said with a shrug. “Haven’t you noticed that Clarke’s been completely AWOL since they started hooking up?”

Bellamy had noticed, in fact. He simply hadn’t considered that she could be with someone else. Not that she shouldn’t be with somebody, obviously, but he’d thought maybe— No. That wasn’t fair for him to think. He should be happy for her, that she had someone, the way he had Gina. His stomach flipped at that thought, and Bellamy swallowed hard, pushing it down. 

“Jesus,” Murphy said. Bellamy looked up to see the other boy watching him with narrowed eyes. “You’ve got a thing for the princess.”

“I do not,” he denied. His teeth ground down tight, jaw flexing. 

Murphy let out a short laugh. “You do,” he insisted, voice taunting. “How’s your girlfriend going to feel when she hears about that?”

Bellamy’s hands clenched, nails biting into the leather of the ball. “She won’t,” he gritted out, “Because I don’t.”

Murphy whistled lowly, a feline grin curling across his face. “Damn, this is going to be a shit show. How’s long distance working out for you? Still getting all of your needs met?”

Bellamy lobbed the ball at him hard but Murphy caught it, chuckling softly. Bellamy glared. “Piss off, Murphy.”

“Fine.” Murphy shrugged and tossed the ball back, spinning in his chair to face his work again. Bellamy let out a noise like a growl and went back to tossing the ball.

“I met her. She kinda sucks,” Murphy said conversationally, his eyes still on his paper. Bellamy paused, looking over. “Lexa, I mean.”

Bellamy frowned, still feeling off-balance. “She’s hot, and Clarke likes her. She can’t suck that bad.”

Murphy hummed noncommittally. “She’s crazy. I don’t think it’ll last,” he offered, “For what it’s worth.”

“Not much,” Bellamy grumbled, flipping the ball over in his hands. “Why should it matter to me?”

He glanced over at Murphy, catching a smirk twitching at the corner of the other boy’s lips. “Good question.”

This time, the ball hit its target, connecting with the back of Murphy’s head.

****

**_January, 2016_ **

Bellamy walked back inside the house, dumbstruck from his conversation. Octavia looked at him suspiciously from her spot curled up on the couch beside the Christmas tree.

“What happened?” she asked. “Where’s Gina?”

Bellamy shoved his hands in his pockets, his eyes still wide and shocked. “She dumped me.”

“What?!” Octavia exclaimed. She dropped her phone, sitting up straight. “Are you okay?”

“No,” he said, but it felt like a lie, and that was wrong. He shouldn’t be okay. He’d loved Gina, and now it was over. 

“Bell, I’m so sorry.” She sprung up from her seat and hugged him tightly.

Her brother let out a sound that could almost be called a laugh, and her eyes narrowed. “I’m not,” he said, his tone incredulous. “I should be, but I’m not.”

“What are you talking about?” Octavia asked, confused. She pulled away from him. “Did you do something?”

Bellamy looked down at her and frowned. “What?”

Octavia took a step back, crossing her hands over her chest. She looked at him with hard eyes. “Why did she dump you? Did you— with someone at college, did you—”

“No,” Bellamy rushed to assure her. “No, of course not.”

That felt like a lie too.

Octavia’s eyes softened, and she wrapped her arms back around him, tucking her face into his chest. “Sorry, Bell, I didn’t mean to accuse you. I know you wouldn’t do anything like that.”

He hugged her back, pressing his cheek to her hair. He felt tears start to build up for the first time that night. “Right. It’s okay, O, I get it.”

Bellamy thought about a head of blonde hair, a smile, a small beauty mark. He thought about blue eyes, flashing at him when they argued, sparkling as she laughed. He swallowed hard, throat tight.

“I get it,” he repeated softly.

****

**_February, 2016_ **

“I really think we should go to the hospital this time,” Bellamy said, one hand hot on Clarke’s back. “Please, Clarke.”

She blinked her eyes once and then narrowed them, her lashes nearly covering the blue of her iris. “It’s fine,” she insisted. “There’s nothing they can do for me anyways.”

He swallowed, hearting beating fast in his throat. He was frantic, and he knew it, but for good reason. The girl had a death wish.

“It’s your second concussion in two months, Clarke,” he said. “That can’t be good.”

She’d been laughing, twirling, walking backwards and looking at him; and she’d slipped on a patch of ice. His stomach churned as he remembered the sound of her head against the pavement.

“At least let me call your mom,” he begged. “She's a doctor, right? She can tell you if you need to be worried.”

Clarke’s lips pressed together tightly and she shook her head. “Not my mom. She’s not— she’s not there.”

He looked at her, exasperated. “It’s a Tuesday night, Clarke, where else would she be?”

“No,” she insisted, eyes closed. “She’s probably home, she’s just not— she’s not _there_.”

Bellamy froze, realizing. “Oh,” he said shortly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Clarke said with a sigh. “It’s not your fault my mom’s a drug addict. Just— don’t call her, _please_.”

“Okay,” he breathed, swallowing hard. “But what can I do? Please let me help you.”

He reached out a hand to cup her cheek, and she nuzzled into it.

“I’ll let you carry me home this time,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Don’t fall.”

He exhaled a small laugh, scooping her into his arms. “Okay, princess. Okay.”

****

**_April, 2016_ **

Bellamy held his beer to his lips, not drinking, smiling as he watched the mayhem happening at the pong table. Murphy sidled up next to him, following his line of vision.

“You’re running out of time,” he said.

Bellamy’s lips pulled down, and he glanced sideways at the other boy. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, nothing,” Murphy said lightly. “Just watching to see how the game turns out, aren’t you?”

Bellamy nodded, swilling his beer. “Why else?”

Murphy shrugged, leaning back against the counter. “Griffin cleans up pretty good, don’t you think?”

Bellamy watching the blonde across the room twirl in her floral Spring Formal dress, laughing as she waited for Raven to take her shot. She caught his gaze and smiled at him. Bellamy smiled back.

“Not bad,” he said to Murphy, eyes still on Clarke. She sunk her shot and looked over again, biting her lip shyly. Bellamy tipped his beer at her in acknowledgement, grinning.

“Right,” Murphy said placidly.

“Shut up.” Bellamy pushed up the sleeves of his button down and loosened his tie. He glanced over at the other boy, then back to Clarke. “Let’s get next on the table.”

Murphy rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath. “—just as bad as—”

“What?” Bellamy asked.

“Nothing,” Murphy grumbled. He pushed off the counter and smacked Bellamy in the arm. “You’d better pay attention during the game. I’m not losing to Raven again.”

Bellamy nodded like he was listening, but his brain was back where his eyes had been. He sipped his beer, throat suddenly dry. “You bet.”

****

**_May, 2016_ **

Bellamy watched her as she slept. It sounded creepy, but it wasn’t. At least, he didn’t think it was.

Bellamy just couldn’t believe that Clarke was here, in his bed. She lay curled toward him, hair shining gold on his pillow. He was on his side facing her, head propped up on his elbow, watching as her chest rose and fell with even breaths.

With her here, her eyes closed, pink mouth slack with sleep, he could almost pretend that this was real. That she was his.

Bellamy traced a finger delicately over her cheek, smoothing softly over her skin. He’d wasted so much time, and now the year was almost over. If he’d had longer he could have convinced her, maybe, to be with him for real, to try—

But it was enough for now, having her here. They had three more years of college, he was being dramatic.

She shifted in her sleep, pressing closer to him, her face tucked into his chest. His arm lay heavily across her hips, holding her to him. He held his breath for a moment, waiting, but her breathing stayed even. Bellamy let out a long exhale.

“I love you,” he whispered, knowing she couldn’t hear him. He reached out with the hand he’d been leaning on and twisted a golden curl between his fingers. It was as soft as silk.

Slowly, he shifted so that he was laying on his back, Clarke nestled under his arm, her head resting just below his collarbone. Her lush eyelashes fluttered softly against the skin of his chest. He stroked his fingers down the curve of her spine, and closed his eyes. He let the sound of her breathing lull him to sleep.

When Bellamy woke up, she was gone.

****

**_August, 2016_ **

“I don’t understand,” Bellamy said, eyebrows furrowed. His hands tightened around hers.

Gina slid one hand out from between his gingerly, placing it on his cheek.”I’m letting you go, Bell. Please don’t make this harder than it is.”

He felt something in his chest crack where he’d hastily bound it together. He’d been trying so hard to make her happy, to make up for—

“Is this about Cl—her?” He asked breathlessly. “Because I told you, it was an accident. I thought that we—I thought that you— It was nothing, Gina, I swear.”

She smiled sadly at him. “I don’t believe you, Bell. I know you didn’t hurt me on purpose, I know you thought I ended it. That was my fault, I should've made it clear. And you tried so hard, all summer, I know you did.”

“I’ll try harder,” he insisted. His heart felt like it was going to fly out of his chest.

She let the hand fall from his cheek. “You shouldn’t have to try so hard.”

“I love you,” Bellamy said, eyes flicking between hers.

“I love you, too,” Gina said. “But you’re not happy with me, and that’s okay.”

Bellamy reeled back, blinking wildly. “I am happy, Gina, I promise.”

She frowned. “You’re not. You found someone new. It’s what happens, we grow up and we change, and we grow apart. You replaced me, and it’s okay, Bell, _it’s okay_.”

He closed his eyes, hearing the echo of his mom’s voice in his head. _He’s replaced me_ , she’d said. _Replaced us._ She hadn’t left her room for weeks after that. He’d been a child, and they’d ran out of food, and Octavia had been crying, and he—

“It’s not okay,” he gritted out through his teeth.

He thought about soft gold curls, hanging over his face, but that—no. 

Instead, he thought about waking up in his bed alone, about his hand reaching out and expecting to find warm skin but finding cold sheets instead. He thought about how he’d felt at the train station, how he’d hurt Gina, and how it had all been for nothing.

Bellamy’s eyes hardened. “It’s not okay.”

****

**_September, 2016_ **

Bellamy tapped his foot impatiently as the man behind the mail counter went to retrieve his package.

Murphy elbowed him lightly in the ribs. “So are you and Clarke dating again? I can’t keep up.”

The question made Bellamy’s hackles rise, but he just rolled his eyes. “We were never dating.”

He accepted the package with a murmured thanks to the worker and spun away from the mail room, walking towards the exit. Murphy trailed behind him.

“What’s that?” Murphy asked, gesturing to the package. 

“Don’t know.” Bellamy shrugged, flipping it over in his hands. The handwriting on the address was looping and familiar, and Bellamy felt a stone sink deep in the pit of his stomach. “I’ll open it later.”

They continued out of the building and up the path to Bellamy’s dorm, the fall sun streaming warmly through the trees. Murphy kicked a rock as they went, huffing.

“You sure you and Clarke aren’t dating?” He asked again. “Raven seems to think otherwise.”

Bellamy looked over at at the other man sharply. “We’re just hooking up. It’s nothing serious.”

Murphy grumbled noncommittally. “Does Clarke know that?”

“Yes.” Bellamy’s throat tightened as he thought of their conversation. “She made it very clear what she wanted.”

Murphy just shrugged.

Later that night, Bellamy came home from a party alone, drunk and nauseous. He sat on his bed and pulled the package into his lap, looking down at it anxiously.

Steeling himself, he ripped it open. Out slid a shiny new copy of the Iliad, with gold gilded pages and an engraved cover. A post-it note was stuck to the top and Bellamy peeled it off, reading it.

_Bell_ , it said. _Saw this and thought of you, so here’s an early birthday present. I know you’ve already got one all marked up, but this can be your display copy. Hope sophomore year is going well! You deserve to be happy._

He swallowed thickly, setting the book down and letting the note drop through his fingers. _All the best, Gina,_ it was signed. 

He remembered how she’d looked when he’d taken her to see the Greco-Roman exhibition for their first date. She’d been beautiful and happy. Bellamy had been so excited, and Gina had listened gamely as he droned on and on about history and mythology. He’d stopped, nervous about boring her, but she’d just nestled into his side and pointed to another statue, asking him to tell her more. 

He remembered how she’d looked when she’d seen the marks on his neck at the train station when he’d come home this past summer. How she’d frozen, the smile sliding off her face as she’d realized what they meant, what he’d done.

Bellamy sat alone, in the quiet of his room, his chest crushed by the weight of his guilt. He felt tears start to prick in his eyes and he scrubbed them away roughly with the back of his hand.

His phone buzzed and he unlocked it, reading the message. _Hey,_ Clarke had texted. _Did you leave already?_

Bellamy stared at it intently, his vision nearly blurring. His jaw clenched tight, he typed out a reply. Bellamy hit send, and silenced his phone, tossing it into his covers. He leaned back on the bed, the new book a looming presence on his pillow. His eyes closed.

_It’s cowardly of me to do this over text,_ he’d said, _but we can’t hook up anymore. I’m sorry for leading you on._

His chest didn’t feel heavy anymore. It felt empty.

_****_

**_October, 2016_ **

“You’re Bellamy Blake, aren’t you?” The brunette eyed him curiously, lifting a drink to her lips.

Bellamy nodded, smirking lazily. Bellamy Blake, that was him. The world’s biggest piece of shit. That was him, alright.

And so maybe he’d had a little bit too much to drink. And maybe he’d been having a bit too much to drink a little more often than he should’ve. It was college, he was young. What was he supposed to do?

He squinted at the brunette, something in his mind ringing like an alarm bell. “Have we met?”

She laughed, and shook her wavy hair like a model in a shampoo commercial. She reached a hand out and he shook it. “Echo. I ran into you a while ago, in Clarke’s room.”

Ah, that was it. Clarke. He paused, brow furrowed.

Echo looked at him amused, one eyebrow raised. “Are you gonna let go of my hand?”

Bellamy winked at her, and she laughed. It was good to hear someone laugh. He missed laughter.

He tugged her hand, pulling her onto the couch next to him. “Come,” he said magnanimously, gesturing the couch, and the coffee table covered in bottles of alcohol. “Join me.”

She laughed, pressing in close to him as he threw an arm around her shoulders. He caught the scent of her hair and it was… wrong, for some reason. Not bad, but wrong. Bellamy frowned, picking at a loose thread on his jeans.

“So,” he said conversationally, fingers fidgeting. “Have you heard? I’m the world’s biggest piece of shit.”

Echo scoffed, elbowing him playfully. Bellamy fell back, a hand over his ribs, acting dramatically wounded. Echo rolled her eyes. “Don’t be a crybaby.”

“It’s true,” Bellamy insisted, eyes half lidded as he looked up at her. “You live with C—her. I’m sure you know.”

Echo hummed, stroking a hand down his arm. Bellamy watched curiously. “Oh, I don’t believe half of what she says.”

He swallowed hard. “What do you mean?”

Echo shrugged. “I know you were friends with her, but Clarke’s really not a nice person. You wouldn’t believe the things she says about you.”

Bellamy flinched, but shrugged. “It’s probably true.”

“Is it?” Echo asked doubtfully. “I’m not sure. But what about the stuff she says about your ex-girlfriend?”

Bellamy’s eyes widened, his heart thumping heart in his chest. “Gina?”

“That’s right,” Echo said, tapping her lips. She looked thoughtful. “She was really nasty about her. About your whole family, really.”

“What?” Bellamy choked.

Echo smiled at him reassuringly. “But I didn’t believe her, Bellamy. Clarke will never get it, what it’s like to live like a normal person. She thinks she's so far above us.”

Bellamy’s throat bobbed, Echo’s words not really registering. Is that— could that be true? Why would Clarke bring up his family, or Gina? Even if she was hurt, that was his fault, not theirs. That’s not— it isn’t _fair_.

"She wouldn't—" Bellamy stumbled over his words, eyes flicking wildly around the room. "But she's my friend," he insisted. Maybe not right now, maybe not with the way he'd left thing, but Clarke wouldn't— She'd _never_ —

"Is she?" Echo asked. She rested a comforting hand on his thigh. "Would a friend really treat you like that?"

"I don't—" he started, and stopped again. No, Bellamy thought. They wouldn't. Right? So maybe— He didn't know.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Echo cooed. She gazed at him with wide eyes. She looked sincere, Bellamy thought. Or at least up-front. Wasn’t that almost the same thing?

“I’ve dated people like her before, Bellamy,” Echo said, chewing on her lip. “Rich boys who thought it would be fun to live on the wild side for a bit. They always leave a trail of broken people in their wake.”

_Broken_ , Bellamy thought. _That’s me. Bellamy broken Blake._

“It’s better to just forget her,” the brunette said. Her voice seemed far away. “Let me take you out tonight, Bellamy. It’ll be fun.”

He snapped out of it, looking at her sharply, and Echo smiled. She pulled him to his feet and he nodded.

_Right_ , he thought. _It’ll be fun._

****

**_November, 2016_ **

He looked down at his phone, frowning. The message sat there at the bottom of the screen, unread, unreplied to. It had been hours.

“So, Bellamy, what do you think?” Echo asked, fidgeting nervously. “You said we’d talk about it after dinner.”

Bellamy looked at her, watching as she moved. Everything she did was so smooth, so graceful. Almost like an act she was putting on. A show, just for him.

But that was ridiculous. Who faked a nervous fidget? Of course she would be nervous, she’d asked him to make their relationship official and he hadn’t answered her. It made sense.

“Right,” he said, voice thick. “I did.”

He glanced back down at his phone and Echo’s eyes narrowed momentarily.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Bellamy said, rucking a hand through his hair. He let out a heavy breath. “Just waiting for a text from O.”

Echo’s face softened, and he felt guilt start to creep up his throat. She wanted to be his girlfriend, really, what was so bad about that? She’d been nothing but truthful to him.

_Had she?_ His mind whispered, but he clamped down on the thought. What reason would she have to lie?

“Well?” Echo asked, eyes wide again, looking at him hopefully. “What do you think?”

Bellamy swallowed hard, looking down at his phone one last time. 

_Thanks for coming to all my matches,_ he’d sent. There was still no reply.

He sighed. What had he really expected?

“Bellamy?” Echo asked, her voice sharp.

He locked his phone and set it down, looking up at her.

“Okay,” he said, and she smiled. His stomach tied itself up in knots, but he ignored it. The feeling was almost too familiar now. His chest ached, like something important was missing. “Let’s do this.”

_****_

**_January, 2017_ **

Coffee with Gina had sounded like a good idea at the time, like many of Bellamy’s ideas; but also like many of Bellamy’s ideas, he really wished he hadn’t actually gone through with it.

He shifted awkwardly, avoiding his ex-girlfriend’s gaze. “I— I’m seeing someone, actually.”

“Oh!” Gina’s face lit up, genuine happiness flooding her features, and she reached out, resting a hand over his. “That’s great, Bell. Is it— Is she—” Her eyes flickered to his collar, where the hickies had been.

“No!” He pulled his hands into his lap, leaning forward, rushing to explain. “No, of course not.”

She frowned at him. “Why not?”

Bellamy looked back at her, eyes wide. "I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Gina’s brow wrinkled. “What do you mean?”

He looked down at his lap, wringing his hands. “It wouldn’t have been right, to leave you and just go back to C— to her.”

He didn't think about Clarke, didn't let himself. He hadn’t seen her in weeks, months even, and good riddance. If she was going to mock him, he didn’t want any part of it.

Something inside of him screamed.

“Bellamy.” Gina laughed delicately. “You can be with whoever you want to. I dumped you, remember?”

“I know that, I just—” His chest squeezed uncomfortably. Was it that easy? Could he really just have— No. It wasn’t just because of Gina, he reminded himself. There were other problems, other reasons why he and Clarke never would have worked. He looked up. “I want to be with Echo.”

“Okay,” Gina agreed. “As long as you’re happy.”

“I am,” Bellamy said. It sounded like a lie. It felt like a lie too. Her gaze felt accusing. “ _I am_ ,” he insisted again.

“Okay,” Gina said gently, and smiled. “Why don’t you tell me about her?”

_****_

**_March, 2017_ **

“—I mean seriously, the fact that we even _have_ a Spring Formal is ridiculous. This place is just like high school lite.”

Bellamy nodded along, not really listening to Echo’s complaint. She was leaning back against the counter next to him, waiting as he toasted his bagel. “So we won’t go then.”

Echo scoffed, crossing her arms across her chest. “Oh, don’t be stupid. Of course we’re going.”

Bellamy clenched and unclenched his jaw. “Fine, then, we’ll go.” He pulled his bagel out of the toaster and put it on his plate. “I just—“

He turned to walk over to the cream cheese station and slammed hard into someone behind him, knocking the mug out of their hands. A blonde head shot down, hands reaching to try and catch it, but they missed and coffee spilled from the mug, sloshing across his pants. As it fell, the mug glanced off Bellamy’s knee, splashing the other person in the chest. Finally, it hit the floor and shattered, the remaining liquid splattering across the ground. Echo leapt back as some of the coffee hit her shoes.

Bellamy knelt quickly to help the blonde pick up the broken ceramic.

“Are you okay—” 

“I didn’t mean—”

They said at the same time, looking up, and both froze as they made eye contact. 

Clarke stared back at him like a deer in the headlights, eyes wide and body completely still. Her mouth dropped open as if to speak, but no words came out. She didn’t even seem to be breathing. He hadn’t been this close to her in months; he’d almost forgotten—

“Clarke,” Bellamy said, voice strangled in his throat. A hand slid onto his shoulder from behind and he watched as Clarke’s eyes flicked up to Echo. The blonde girl twitched, flinching, and her hands clenched.

Clarke stood up abruptly. A jagged piece of the mug dropped from her hands, glancing off her toe and skittering across the floor. She hesitated for just a moment before pushing past them, and Bellamy’s eyes followed her as she marched across the dining center, exiting through one of the side doors. The door slammed shut behind her; the sound echoing loudly across the room. Bellamy swallowed hard.

“What a bitch,” Echo said, leaning back against the counter. Bellamy shrugged, reaching forward to pick up the rest of the broken mug. “Do you think she did it on purpose?”

Bellamy’s eyebrows pinched together and he looked up at her. “What?”

Echo twirled a fork in her hands, jerking her chin towards the door Clarke had used. “Pretty suspicious exit. And she didn’t even say sorry.”

She looked at him expectantly, waiting for his agreement.

“I don’t—” he started, but stopped at her unimpressed look.

“Don’t be naive, Bellamy” Echo said condescendingly. She gestured to wreckage on the floor, the stain on his jeans. “Do you really think this was an accident? Look at your pants, and my shoes are completely ruined.”

He shrugged again. That didn’t sound like the Clarke he knew, and besides, she’d ended up wearing just as much of the coffee, if not more.

Echo huffed. “This is so typical. Roan told me that she poured a cup of beer on Lexa’s back at a party after they broke up last year. She’s so petty.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Bellamy mumbled noncommittally. He didn’t remember that happening, but he knew Clarke and Lexa had ended on bad terms, although Clarke had never actually told him the exact reason. It wasn’t impossible, he guessed, and Roan had no reason to lie about it. How well did he know Clarke anyways? Maybe it _was_ like her. Maybe he’d just been too dazzled by her to see it. He bit his cheek.

“Do you need help with that?” Echo asked, frowning. She nodded at the broken ceramic that he’d stopped collecting. Bellamy shook his head, and she shrugged. “Don’t forget the piece Saint Clarke so kindly left behind.”

He dumped the rest of the pieces in the trash and leaned back down to grab the shard from where it had slid beneath the lip of the counter. He fished it out and flipped it over in his hands, looking at it.

His throat grew thick, chest tightening uncomfortably. A few drops of bright red blood clung to the sharp edge of it where it must have bitten into Clarke’s hand.

He wondered how bad it must have hurt.

“Are you coming?” Echo asked impatiently. He hesitated. “Bellamy, c’mon, don’t let her throw you off. You need to eat.”

He nodded, and dropped the piece into the trash with the rest.

****

**_May, 2017_ **

Bellamy watched from the kitchen as Echo laughed, telling some story to his teammates that he couldn’t quite hear. The boys were clustered around her, smiling at her like she was the star of the show, and in a way, she was, Bellamy guessed.

A wine bottle was placed unceremoniously onto the counter next to him with a thump and Bellamy startled, looking around. 

He met a pair of deeply displeased looking brown eyes. 

“Blake,” Raven acknowledged, one eyebrow raised accusingly. Her arms folded across her chest.

Bellamy swallowed. “Hey, Raven, good to see you.”

“I’d say the same but I’d be lying.” She looked across the room, eyes finding Echo. “Looks like your girlfriend is becoming _very popular_ with the team.”

Bellamy bristled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, nothing,” Raven said loftily, waving a hand. “Just that you might want to keep an eye on her. Girl like that, it’s only a matter of time before someone begins to stray.”

Bellamy spun to face her, glaring. Was she accusing him of—? How dare she say that? Raven knew nothing about their relationship, she hadn’t even deigned to speak to Bellamy since the fall. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She stared back at him, her eyes cool as ice. “Don’t I? I’ve seen this whole story play out before, Blake. Had a front row seat and everything.”

He felt his blood start to boil, and he stepped into her personal space. She stood her ground, chin lifted proudly. “Listen, Reyes, what me and my girlfriend do is none of your business. I love her, and she loves me.”

“What are you, Barney the purple dinosaur?” Raven spat. She shoved a finger into his chest. “Let’s be honest with each other, Blake, I’m just trying to help. You had your shot at a girl that loved you, and you fucked it up. This all? This is all just a load of—”

“Whoa whoa whoa, okay,” Murphy cut in, pulling Raven away by the shoulders. He looked between his two seething friends. “Everyone having a good time?”

“No,” Bellamy growled. “Next time, Murphy, don’t bring someone who hates me.”

Raven scoffed. “Don’t be so self absorbed, I don’t hate you.”

“Right.” Bellamy laughed harshly. He pointed at Murphy. “Keep her away from my girlfriend.”

“Aww, how sweet,” Raven mocked. “Too bad you were never that devoted to—”

Murphy elbowed her hard in the ribs and she stopped. 

“Whatever,” Raven grumbled, pushing past them. “This party sucks anyways.”

Bellamy spun to face Murphy, still full of righteous anger. “She thinks I’m going to cheat on Echo.”

“Does she?” Murphy sounded bored. 

“Yes,” Bellamy spat. “It’s just like Echo said. Raven hates me. Clarke must’ve told her something, made her think that.”

“Really?” The other boy picked at his nails. “Why do you think that?”

“It makes sense,” Bellamy insisted, but the lack of a reaction from Murphy took some of the wind out of his sails. “Doesn’t it?”

“I don’t know, does it?” Murphy sighed. “Or maybe, she’s worried Echo is going to cheat on you and was just trying to warn you.”

Bellamy frowned. “Why would she think that? Did Clarke—”

“Oh, shut up,” Murphy groaned. He cleared his throat, pinching the skin between his eyebrows. “Not everything is part of you and Echo’s weird ‘Clarke is out to get us’ conspiracy. Raven told me Echo reminds her of Finn, that’s all.”

“Oh,” Bellamy said shortly, and paused. “You don’t think that, do you?”

Murphy frowned. “I’ve never met Finn, but he must be pretty gregarious to have gotten both Raven and Clarke to fall for him. They aren’t exactly the easily tumbling types.” 

Bellamy snorted. That was an understatement if he ever heard one. 

“And neither are you,” Murphy continued, “But it took Echo, what, a month for you to make it official? Less?” 

Bellamy looked across the room at his girlfriend, still holding court with the other rugby boys. Was it possible? He knew at least some of the reason he’d jumped into a relationship was to run away from his fucked up feelings with Clarke, but to think Echo had manipulated him was something else, something—

She caught his eye from across the room and smiled. He felt guilt pool in his stomach. No, he thought. She wouldn’t do that.

****

**_July, 2017_ **

Bellamy paced back and forth, throwing his hands up in the air exasperatedly.

“What do you mean, you don’t like her, O? She was here for a week, you hardly had enough time to get to know her!”

Octavia leaned back into the couch cushions, crossing her arms. “I don’t know what to tell you, Bell. She’s shady.”

Bellamy looked and her, forehead wrinkled. “How can you possibly tell?”

His younger sister made a face. “How can you not?”

He rolled his eyes, frustrated. Why did everyone hate his girlfriend? He didn’t hate her. She wasn’t always— but he definitely didn’t hate her. Shouldn’t that be good enough?

“What happened to the other one?” Octavia asked.

Bellamy’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

“From last year.” Octavia gestured to her neck, raising her eyebrows suggestively. “You know, _the other one_.”

“Nothing!” Bellamy snapped, and Octavia flinched back. “Sorry, O, nothing. We aren’t friends anymore.”

“Didn’t seem like you wanted to be friends with her anyways,” Octavia grumbled.

“This isn’t about her.” Bellamy rubbed the bridge of his nose. “What’s wrong with Echo?”

“She treated me like I was a child,” Octavia said petulantly. “And she’s shady, seriously. I know a snake when I see one.”

Bellamy left the last part alone, not bothering to engage. “You kind of are a child, O.”

She glared at him. “I’m going into my senior year, I’m almost a legal adult! And besides, Mom thinks she sucks, too.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “I’m an adult, O, I don’t need Mom’s approval on my girlfriends.”

“What about Gina?” Octavia said, her tone soft. And there it was, the trump card, kicking him while he was already down. “She’d never say it, because she thinks you’re happy, but she didn’t like Echo either.”

Bellamy groaned.

****

**_September, 2017_ **

Miller met him in the bar after work. The other man greeted him with a one-armed hug, very manly, thumping Bellamy soundly on the back. Miller took a step back, looking Bellamy over.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Miller said, nose wrinkled, “But you look like shit, man.”

Bellamy grimaced. “Is there a right way to take that?”

“Yeah, like a concerned friend and not a high school bully.” Miller grinned at him. “It’s good to see you anyways, no matter how ugly.”

They slid into seats in the booth that Bellamy had claimed. Bellamy poured Miller a beer from the pitcher he’d ordered. Miller accepted it with murmured thanks.

“So happy birthday,” Miller offered. “Welcome to 21.” 

Bellamy rolled his eyes. It was a running joke that they had; Bellamy was born a year earlier than everyone else in his grade, but Miller’s birthday was a week before his. When they were little he’d insisted that made him older, no matter how much Bellamy had fought him.

“I’m 22, idiot,” Bellamy said. “Don’t deprive me of my existential dread.”

Miller barked out a laugh. “I might finally let you have that one. We’re starting to get too old.”

“Tell me about it,” Bellamy huffed. He knocked back a slug of his beer and topped it off. “So how’s life been treating you? How’s work?”

“Biting me in the ass, as always,” Miller replied jovially. “Just got off a 24. Every time I almost got to sleep, we got another call. I was this close to trying to get dispatch to tell folks emergencies were temporarily cancelled.”

Bellamy winced in sympathy. “Sorry, man. I haven’t been sleeping super well myself.”

“Hence you looking like shit,” Miller said, gesturing with his cup towards Bellamy’s face. “All you damn college kids are the same. There’s this chick who volunteers with us from your school who’s doing driver training right now, and she’s just as bad. She runs overnights with me all the time, last night included, and I swear to god, man, I’ve never seen her sleep.”

“Oh?” Bellamy asked, surprised. He hadn’t realized there were any EMTs from his college. That had to be rough, to run long shifts on top of all the work. “Anybody I would know?”

Miller shrugged. “Maybe. Griffin? Blonde hair, blue eyes, so rich she’s basically an American—”

“Princess,” Bellamy finished quietly. He looked down at his beer, hands tensed.

There was something deeply uncomfortable about Miller knowing Clarke; two parts of his life that were never supposed to meet suddenly being closer to each other than he was to either of them.

Miller laughed. “Yeah, how’d you guess? You know her then?”

“Yeah,” Bellamy agreed, his voice flat. “I know her. Or I used to.”

Miller hummed, taking a gulp of his beer. “She’s nuts, man. Crazy good EMT, but seriously needs to let loose. She got command status in, like, three weeks. Took me two months, and I was working full-time, _and_ getting paid for it.”

“Her mom’s a famous doctor,” Bellamy mumbled. “Guess she will be too.”

She hadn’t been sure of that, when he’d known her. She’d still been deciding between pre-med and art. She hadn’t even had an EMT certification, and Bellamy’s not sure when she’d gotten that. It had been a long time since he'd known her, he realized, heart sinking.

“That makes sense, although she’s weirdly cagey about her family,” Miller said.

Bellamy frowned. His head was started to hurt, one fist clenched on his thigh below the table. “It’s a sore topic for her.”

“Gotcha,” Miller replied, shrugging. “Always took her for the type to have daddy issues.”

Bellamy’s nails bit into his palm. “Her dad’s dead.”

Miller whistled sympathetically, sipping his beer. “Damn, that sucks. No wonder she’s so quiet.”

Bellamy nodded, but his stomach was roiling. Quiet? Clarke? That didn’t sound right. Clarke had been a lot of things, but quiet was never one of them. She’d never had any trouble speaking up.

Miller continued, not noticing Bellamy’s discomfort. “I didn’t realized she was, like, _fucked up_ fucked up. Celebrities, they’re just like us.” He gestured with his beer like he was making a toast. “Makes me like her even more. Me and Jackson kinda figured she was just pent up and needed to get laid. Although, maybe that’s still—”

“ _Don’t_ ,” Bellamy cut in, voice cold, and then winced. “Sorry, just— can we not talk about Clarke?”

Miller leaned back, raising an eyebrow. “Of course, sorry. I didn’t realize it was such a hot-button issue. I take it you guys aren’t friends?”

Bellamy looked up at the ceiling, face tight, and nodded. “Not anymore.”

“Gotcha, okay.” Miller was quiet for a second, thoughtful, and then— “So how’s your girlfriend?”

“Echo’s—” Bellamy winced again, taking a gulp of his beer, and sidestepped the question. “How’s Jackson? Got that locked down yet?”

“Not yet, man, but I’m trying,” Miller said, and let out a long laugh. He started to chatter animatedly about his attempts to woo his coworker. “—I just really like him, you know?”

Bellamy nodded. Yeah. He knew.

****

**_November, 2017_ **

“Alright, let’s go. I’m getting you drunk,” Murphy grumbled, pushing past Bellamy into his room. He looked Bellamy over, confused. “What are you wearing?”

“A suit,” Bellamy said, a lump rising in his throat. He knew what was coming next.

Murphy’s eyes narrowed. “Why?”

“Because,” Bellamy said, swallowing hard, “It’s my anniversary.”

Murphy fixed hard eyes on him. Bellamy could practically see the rage start to boil over.

“Anniversary implies that you’re still together,” Murphy said, the cadence of his words coming out flat. “Which you aren’t, because she cheated on you. Right?”

Bellamy looked away.

“ _Right_?” Murphy asked again, seething hatred spilling into his tone.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Murphy,” Bellamy said, his voice soft.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Blake?” Murphy yelled. “I want you to say you dumped her. You can’t seriously be think of staying with the slippery little—”

“Hey,” Bellamy cut in, his tone hard. “Don’t. Just because she messed up with your ex doesn’t mean—”

“Messed up?” Murphy let out a biting laugh. “She fucked her! Your girlfriend fucked her. This isn’t about me for a fucking second, this is about you, and your complete lack of self respect!”

Bellamy sat sullenly, not responding.

“Echo sucks! She fucking sucks. She makes shit up, and everyone believes her, and _you_ believe her and it’s some bullshit. She _hates_ me, she hates Clarke, and for what? I certainly never did anything to her. I’m not even convinced she really likes you! You were just something somebody else wanted, and so she took you.”

Murphy glared at him, pointing a finger accusingly. “She ruins people’s lives, Bellamy, _for fun_. She told Emori that I’d tried to hook up with her, with _your_ girlfriend, which _you know_ for damn well sure isn't true; she told me Emori thought I was too clingy so that I would pull away and Emori would think it was true. Hell, I’m shocked she even bothered to wait for us to break up before she fucked her; clearly she doesn’t care about hurting anybody’s feelings!”

Bellamy watched as he paced back and forth, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. “And that shit she told you about Clarke, what was the point of that? You can’t possibly believe any of that! Clarke was already accidentally the other woman with Raven, and you saw how bad _that_ fucked her up. How could you possibly think she’d be fine with it happening again? The girl was clearly in love with you, Bellamy; why would she talk shit about you or your ex or your family? You're a fucking idiot for buying into that, but you did, because that's what she does. Echo fucks with your mind, so why would you stay with her?”

Bellamy shrugged limply. His chest felt like a gaping hole, his mind completely blank. He felt nausea rise in his throat, but what could he do about it? What could he say? How wrong could he have been? He was used to being wrong, he was always wrong, but to have wasted a year of his life being— What? Petty?

He swallowed back the bile.

He thought about the sweet smell of shampoo, nice but wrong. He thought about Echo’s wide eyes as she plead with him to forgive her. He thought about Gina’s sob as he walked towards her at the train station. He thought about—

“I’m sorry, Murphy,” Bellamy said quietly. “But I have to go.”

_It’s my anniversary_ , he thought. _One full year._

Echo smiled softly at him as she met him at the car. Bellamy opened the door for her, like he should.

He felt numb.

****

**_January, 2018_ **

“I don’t think we should do an open relationship while we’re abroad,” Echo announced. She’d come to visit for New Years, and they were curled up together on his couch at home.

Bellamy frowned at her. “Okay?”

He hadn’t even really considered it. He probably should have, given what had happened, but he found he strangely… didn’t care. It seemed fake.

“I know a lot of the boys on the team are opening up their relationships when they’re abroad,” she continued, not acknowledging that he had spoken, “But I don’t think we should.”

He nodded slowly. “Right.”

“So we’re in agreement then,” she said, looking at him sharply. Bellamy shrugged and she nodded. “Good.”

She nuzzled into his chest and smiled. He tucked an arm over her, staring across the room.

“It’s really not that long,” she said. “Less than five months.”

Bellamy’s hand twitched. “Yep.”

“I’m glad we’re okay again,” Echo said happily, closing her eyes. “I love you.”

Bellamy paused for a minute, the words stuck in his throat, and she looked up at him, eyes piercing. Why couldn’t he say it? Was was wrong with him?

“I love you, too,” he choked, and she smiled, settling her head back down.

****

**_March, 2018_ **

He’d been in Greece for almost two months by the time that Bellamy realized he should miss his girlfriend. 

His study-abroad group had rented a car together, driven up to some ruins in the middle of nowhere. They were eating a picnic, right in the middle of history, and someone asked about the flowers that were blooming all over the site.

“What’s with all these daffodils?” Kaylee asked.

“Narcissus,” Bellamy corrected, taking a bite of his sandwich. “Don’t you know the myth?”

“What’s that got to do with flowers?” Gabriel asked. “I thought it was just about him and that nymph, Echo.”

Echo, Bellamy remembered then. Right.

They’d been together for, what, almost a year and a half now? But he hadn’t thought of her at all since arriving. In fact, Bellamy felt better than he had in years, lighter somehow, like a weight had been lifted off his back. Like Atlas, relieved of the burden of the sky. 

He was being overdramatic, of course, but he really did feel better.

“He fell in love with his own reflection,” Bellamy said, recounting the myth. “Watched it so long he died, and was turned into a flower.”

“Sounds like Josie,” Kaylee said, elbowing the blonde. Bellamy grinned.

He hadn’t known anyone else in his program at first, but they’d sort of forcefully made friends with him anyways. He didn’t mind. It was good to be around new people, to be around people who didn’t know him, who didn’t know what kind of person he was, what kind of things he’d—

He stopped himself.

“Don’t be stupid,” Josephine said, striking a dramatic pose. “I’m clearly Aphrodite.”

“More like Helen of Troy,” Gabriel said. Bellamy watched as he pulled her into his lap, nuzzling at her hair. Josephine squealed, but she was smiling. “Always causing trouble.”

“Aphrodite caused a lot of trouble herself,” Bellamy offered, his voice thoughtful. “Really all the bad things that happened with Helen, the Trojan War and all, it was mostly her fault.”

“Well, her and Eris,” Priya added, and Bellamy nodded.

“Love and discord,” Gabriel said fondly, his eyes on the blonde in his arms. She leaned up and smacked a kiss onto his lips. Bellamy felt something in his chest ache, like a phantom wound. “What a pair.”

****

**_May, 2018_ **

“Dude, it’s so good to see you,” Murphy said, pulling him in for an uncharacteristic hug. “Welcome back.” Weird, but it had been months since they fought, Bellamy guessed. Maybe he was over it. Bellamy was lucky his study-abroad program ended before the school year, or it would have been even longer. 

The boys stepped back, observing the mania of the party. Someone had set up a slip-n-slide on the slope of the green, and drunk students were throwing themselves down it with great abandon.

“This is new,” Bellamy noted, taking a sip of his beer. 

Murphy laughed. “Yeah, I’d like to take credit, but Wick is really the mastermind. It’s too bad he’s graduating.”

Bellamy hummed. “Raven’s boyfriend, right?”

“Oh, no,” Murphy said. “Not for a while. She’s with Zeke Shaw now.” He gestured over to where the brunette was canoodling with a man Bellamy didn’t recognize. “He’s a transfer. Played with us for the spring season.”

Bellamy nodded. He felt weirdly left out, out of the loop, but that was to be expected. He’d been gone for four and a half months with little to no cell service. He was bound to have missed some things.

“Where’s the girlfriend?” Murphy asked, tone a little bitter. So maybe Bellamy wasn’t fully forgiven.

“Haven’t seen her yet, but she said she’d meet me here.” Bellamy shrugged. “She got back from Australia last week.”

Murphy muttered something nasty under his breath that Bellamy didn’t quite catch, but he ignored it. “How’s everyone?”

Murphy laughed. “All two of my friends you mean?”

“Shut up,” Bellamy said, ribbing Murphy fondly. “People like you. But yes, basically.”

“Raven’s good, like I said, dating Zeke.” Murphy made a face. “They are appallingly cute. It’s disgusting. She’s also making some crazy computer chip for her thesis. She’s, like, halfway done already. Somehow nobody told her that senior thesis generally means you do it as a senior.”

Bellamy nodded, waiting for Murphy to continue. When he didn’t, Bellamy prompted him. “And?”

The other man look at him in disbelief, one eyebrow raised. “You know the other friend I was talking about was Clarke, right?”

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “Yes, Murphy, thank you. I’m not an idiot.”

“Sure,” Murphy muttered. “Clarke’s good too. She’s doing really well, actually. She’s been volunteering a lot as an EMT, and she managed to convince the art department to let her double major. I think she’s really happy.”

“That’s good,” Bellamy said. Murphy looked at him like he’d grown another head. Bellamy took a sip of his beer to cover up the tightness in his voice. “So she didn’t go abroad either?”

“Nope,” Murphy said, popping the p. “In fact—” He gestured with his beer towards the slip-n slide. “Take a look for yourself.”

Bellamy held his beer to his lips, his eyes following Murphy’s gesture. He choked on his drink when he saw.

Murphy whacked him hard on the back, smiling a shit-eating grin. “Careful there, dude.”

Bellamy didn’t listen, watching as the blonde finished stripping off her clothes, running a couple steps and flinging her bikini clad body down the hill. She laughed as she got up, shaking the water off of her. Her hair was so bright it practically glowed in the dark, lighting up her smile.

“She looks—” Bellamy swallowed, his throat dry. “She looks—” Murphy coughed, and Bellamy blinked, looking away. He took a gulp of his beer, suddenly feeling very sober. 

“She looks happy,” he said finally, aiming for nonchalant and missing by a mile.

“Yeah, I bet,” Murphy said, laughing, and then his grin slid off as he looked behind Bellamy’s shoulder. 

“Oh, look,” he said, his voice dull. “Your girlfriend’s here.”

Bellamy turned his head to see Echo in a group of his teammates. He should go over and say hi, tell her loved her, that he’d missed her, but— he didn’t move, feet planted firmly on the ground. 

“Huh,” Murphy said, and Bellamy looked over to find his friend watching him, an inscrutable expression on his face.

“What?” Bellamy asked. Murphy narrowed his eyes and shook his head.

“You don’t seem that thrilled to see her.” Bellamy’s hand tightened on his cup.

“I am,” he insisted. “She’s just— busy. I’ll go over in a minute.”

“Right,” Murphy said doubtfully. They turned back to the slip-n-slide. Bellamy’s eyes involuntarily sought out a blonde head of hair.

“Huh,” Murphy said again.

****

**_August, 2018_ **

“C’mon, Bellamy,” his girlfriend urged impatiently from the side of the car. “Let’s go.”

She’d come to visit him before the semester started, and they were driving to her house together to spend a week before going back to school. The car was full of Bellamy’s things, waiting to be moved into his final dorm room, his last year of college.

He looked back at his mom on the porch. She smiled at him tearfully, resting a hand on his cheek. “You’ve gotten so mature while I wasn’t looking,” she said, smiling tremulously. “When did that happen?”

Bellamy didn’t know if he agreed with that, but he’d definitely gotten older. “I love you, Mom.”

“Bellamy, seriously, let’s go!” Echo yelled, and Aurora shot her a hard glare that Bellamy caught. 

“That girl, on the other hand—” she said, her voice low. She gave him a serious look. “Bellamy, you know, you don’t have to wait for someone to break up with you. You’re allowed to do it yourself.”

Bellamy snorted. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“It was nice to see you again, Echo, darling,” his mom called over his shoulder, smiling at his girlfriend’s sour face. 

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “Alright, Mom, I really should be going.”

She nodded, pulling him in for a hug. She rested her head for a moment on his shoulder. “It never gets any easier, letting you go.”

He swallowed thickly, pulling back. “Don’t be dramatic, I’ll see you in a week when you drop off O.”

She swatted at him. “Oh, don’t remind me.”

Bellamy laughed and stepped off the porch, walking to his car. He waved at his mom, and climbed into the driver’s seat, a small smile curling his lips.

“Everything alright?” Echo asked suspiciously.

Bellamy nodded and turned the key, the engine roaring to life. 

“It will be.”

****

**_September, 2018_ **

It was only a few weeks into the new semester when Bellamy opened his door and found Echo naked on top of his best friend’s equally naked ex-girlfriend.

He was surprisingly calm.

“Emori,” he acknowledged with a nod. The girl stared back with wide eyes, scrambling to cover herself with his sheets. The duvet was on the floor at least, he noted. Polite of them to keep it clean. “I think Echo and I need to have a talk. I’ll give you a minute to get dressed.”

He walked out of his room and waited against the wall, arms crossed, until Emori slipped through the door.

“I’m sorry,” she said, voice shaking. “I didn’t know it was your room.”

“Or that she was still my girlfriend?” Bellamy asked lightly, and Emori swallowed.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated.

He snorted. “Right. See you around.”

Bellamy pushed past her into his room. Echo was perched on the edge of his bed, fully dressed but looking artfully disheveled. A few tears sparkled on her cheeks, and her long brown hair hung straight around her face.

She looked appropriately penitent, he supposed. Like a victim. She was good at looking like that.

“Did you change the sheets too?” Bellamy asked acerbically. She gazed up at him with wide eyes. And, gee, wasn't that a familiar look. How had he not noticed before?

“Bell—” He waved his hand, stopping her. 

“Save it,” Bellamy snapped. “Get out.”

Echo froze. “What?”

He looked back at her, unamused. “We’re done. Over. This is it.” He stepped away from the door and gestured to it. “Please leave my room.”

Echo’s face reddened. “You— I—” she sputtered. “ _You_ can’t break up with _me_.”

Bellamy sighed. “Echo, seriously. You cheated on me _again_ , in my bed. You knew this was the time I was getting back from class. What did you think was going to happen?”

“I—” Echo started, voice disbelieving. She rose gracefully from the bed, looking at him. “I love you.”

Bellamy’s eyes narrowed doubtfully. “Do you?”

A year ago he would have believed it without question. It was something he’d taken as a given, just like that he loved her. But did he? She was important to him, played an outsizedly large role in his life, but did he _love_ her? Not in the same way he’d loved Gina, not in the same way he’d loved— Well. 

Bellamy looked back on the nearly two years he’d spent with her: two years of his youth, two years of college, two years of relationships he would never get back. He was a fucking idiot, he was coming to realize. Better late than never.

“Of course.” Echo reached for him, but he stepped back, avoiding her hands. 

Bellamy braced one hand against his desk chair, lifting his chin. He was determined to make it stick, this new resolve of his. “I mean it this time. We’re over. Please go.”

Echo looked at him for a second with those same round eyes, searching his face, but she apparently couldn't find whatever it was she’d been looking for. Her expression snapped shut, cold and bitter. 

“You’re pathetic,” she spat, and then she was gone, the door slamming closed behind her. Finally, he thought.

Bellamy pulled the sheets off his bed, balling them up and tossing them in his laundry basket. Quietly, calmly, he took a clean set from his closet and made the bed. When it was done, Bellamy kicked off his shoes and flopped back into the pillows, one hand tucked beneath his head, staring up at the ceiling.

He should have been thinking about Echo, should be angry or sad, or something, anything. He should have been thinking about how his relationship, the one he’d been in for nearly two years now, had ended, but he wasn’t. 

Instead, he let himself think of blonde curls and blue eyes; of a small beauty mark over a pink mouth that just a few nights before had been lit up by the flashing colored lights of a party as it bobbed down to press a soft kiss into the dark hair of another girl. Bellamy exhaled a long breath.

It felt like he’d been holding it in for years.

**Author's Note:**

> I should have written chapter 17 but uh this was plaguing me, so here you go. I hope it's a little insight into our dear pal Asshole Bellamy.
> 
> It was so very much not supposed to be this long, and I have yet to edit it fully because of that, so apologies for the grammar and spelling.
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos are alway loved and cherished. I burn them at night to keep myself warm.


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